My soul has been stripped at times throughout this pregnancy. There are moments where I see the light of joy & hope and cling to it, hearing U2 in the background,
I waited patiently for the Lord,
He inclined and heard my cry.
He lifted me up out of the pit,
out of the mire & clay.
And then the song stops. The hope seems to fade where fear & angst fill. I sit in the muck & mire, for the most part. I don’t spend time thinking about what this child will be like. I haven’t been filled with that ever expectant joy. I haven’t planned much.
It’s not that I don’t want this baby, because I do, I so do. It’s not that I don’t view this baby as gift, because I cling to that truth more than anything. It’s that I still haven’t fully attached to all of it. Maybe, if I’m utterly truthful, I haven’t really waited patiently for the Lord. I haven’t fully given myself over to the goodness of him helping me. In fact, if I’m really truthful, I would say that I’ve been trying to climb out of the pit on my own, only causing myself to give up and wait without asking.
I’ve been guarding more of my heart this time. Our short stint of miscarriage to finding out we were pregnant was a whirlwind. I miscarried in September, had one period, and then got pregnant. At about 27-30 weeks I hit the point of thought, “well, if the baby is born now, there is great chance of survival.”
Friends, I’m going to be 36 weeks tomorrow, and I know this baby will be here. And still, I have fears. So, I write this out as me crying out to the Lord, so he would be inclined to hear me. I write this out, so you would be an encouragement to me, because if there was ever a time I needed it–it’s now. I want to hear the rest of the song,
I will sing, sing a new song
I will sing, sing a new song
How long, how long
How long, how long
Oh, Lord my God, How Great Thou Art.
How Great Thou Art.
I want a new song. A new song that banishes the fear of the baby being breech, or a labor that is unbearable. I birthed two babies into this world without pain relief, and I know I can do it again. But, I’m not one of those mamas who burn the nursing bras and declare the strength of their inards like Xenia the Warrior. I’m simply a mama who believes in my body being able to go through the pains of childbirth, in order to see my baby on the other side. I need prayer that I would find shalom here.
We don’t have a name. When I was pregnant with the girls, we didn’t find out the sex, but had names picked out. I remember praying about names and felt a keen insight to their given names. I haven’t felt or heard any of this for this child. I need shalom in this.
I’m honestly a bit overwhelmed and scared by the whole thought of going through it all again, that I am having a hard time finding the joy after the storm. I know I will love this baby, but I am finding a hard time believing it with how much reluctancy I have in welcoming in this precious little one. I need encouragement & truth.
I need a new song.
What keeps me is hearing the girls talk about their excitement in meeting the baby. Their anticipatory joy is what gives me hope. Their unabandoned faith in knowing they will meet & love the baby is what I long for. They ask almost daily, “Is the baby coming today?”
If you would so kindly place a word of encouragement below, or by email. To be with me in the pit and cry out for me, I would be greatly indebted. Encouragements in the realm of choosing joy, trusting God’s good gifts, enduring childbirth without fear, and falling in love with this priceless gift (because this baby is a gift, an complete unexpected gift)…you would fill my cup.
Backdoor Hospitality 
Beautiful and honest, your words and your soul, sweet Kamille. May this baby-to-be be your shalom, your reminder of His love and providence. May your soul awash with peace as you trust Him in the journey. ❤
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When we cannot readily embrace joy ourselves, I think it the privilege and duty of the Body to have joy *for* us until we can. I've been on both sides of that equation with childbirth and miscarriage. You're on the right path: let the joy of your children buoy your heart. I pray the Lord will lift your head today so that you might have your eyes locked into His and the joy He finds in this new life He's giving you. Press into Him, friend.
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Peace to you sweet friend. Overflowing, overwhelming, brimful peace and so much JOY. He is looking after you and with you every step. And he knows your sweet babe's name already. Love to you.
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Kamille, you are a true psalmist here wrestling with very real emotions and countering them with very real truth. I love how you ask for exactly what you need; it is a great example to those of us who at times wallow in the pit by ourselves. I remember going through exactly what you are going through during my second pregnancy. I thought, why am I so afraid, I've done this before; but I was fearful of labor, complications, the whole nine yards. I even felt that ambivalence that you described. God's grace is sufficient for all our needs. He holds us securely even when fears make things appear out of control. Though we walk through the valley of the shadow of death it is merely a shadow and He is there with us. I praying for you today, my friend.
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It was wonderful for me to be able to connect to you through this post and through your pain of your miscarraige and the myriad of emotions that come with a new pregancy after that pain. Thank you so much for sharing your story – I think you have touched many through your words. I think your relationship with this child will be so special and unique because of your experiences before and during pregnancy. Your feelings and emotions are so normal – don't judge yourself or worry about how you feel. Everything will change after the birth. Just think about the child when he or she is 10 years old and it will put everything into perspective. I'll pray for you and your family during this important time 🙂 God Bless!
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Nice to meet the real you! This is the first time I have been to your blog, though, so I didn't know any other you yet 🙂 I am 39 weeks, 6 days with baby number six as I type this, and I have to say that I have wrestled with the same thoughts and fears with the last three of my pregnancies at least, perhaps the last four (can't remember because of pregnancy brain fog.) For me it comes from anticipating a really long, tough labor – I have done #'s 2-5 without any drugs – and knowing what I will be going through once I'm in labor and after baby comes. I know it's hard this time around, whereas with #1 it was just excitement and joy because there was no knowledge of how it would be, and with #2 it was my first natural birth and again, I didn't know how tough it was going to be and was, or course optimistic it would not be so bad 🙂 The few months of sleepless nights and such as well to look forward to don't help things – and then with number 5 and this baby, I had a miscarriage between 4 and 5 so the uncertainty of even carrying through to a live birth is real to me now. I didn't wash sheets for the moses bed til yesterday, and I didn't make a basket of diapers and such til today. The idea of preparing for the baby just keeps getting pushed to the back of my mind, overshadowed by the "what-ifs." We didn't even pick a name until yesterday. So I am just writing to say that you're not alone, and your hormones probably contribute somewhat to the intensity of your feelings – and for me, personally, pregnancy hormones can make me feel apathetic as well – apathetic towards food (which I LOVE – the only time I'm excited about it anymore is when I see something I want and then get to have it, but every day regular meal-to-meal food now I just can't seem to care about), apathetic towards making decisions about where to go, what to do, or how we sometimes spend our time as a family, and, most of all, apathetic towards this baby. I'm just a bit apprehensive to get attached to him I think. Thankfully, I have a husband who reminds me daily that the things I fear are not common, that I need not dwell on them, and that I should just pray for peace. This may be a particular challenge for me, and for you, but I think you may also find that there are many women who feel the same way you do 🙂 All throughout my pregnancies I must say that I don't like being pregnant, and I can't wait for it to be over – but I never like to express this sentiment outloud because of the people who have not been blessed with birthing children and also because I want to carry the baby to term, so of course I don't really want the pregnancy to be "over" when it has not yet been 40 weeks. On the other hand, right around 36 weeks I started to dread the end, feeling like it was coming too fast and knowing what was in store for me with labor and delivery — not knowing the outcome and the health of me and the baby for certain, but certainly knowing it will be through some tough, tough hours. Pray for me as I am so close to it now, and I will pray for you 🙂
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I can so identify with your words, and I am here to tell you that everything will be just fine! I have 5 babies and for awhile I felt so much guilt with my 4th and 5th because I felt so ambivalent when I was pregnant. Yes, they were loved and wanted, but there just wasn't that jumping with excitement feeling that I thought I was supposed to have.
#4 didn't have a name at birth. Nothing sounded right. I did attach to her immediately after she was born. She is the greatest joy, an incredible sunshine and a special gift to me during some dark times. Absolutely more than I ever imagined.
#5 is our last and for some reason it took me awhile to bond with him. I was so relieved when his birth was over and to be honest, the first thought after he was born was "thank heavens I never have to do that again!" *cue loud buzzer for wrong answer!*
Again, it wasn't because I didn't love him–I would have given my life for him. But the emotions took awhile. Once you have a couple kids, you are so much busier that it is hard to take the time just to dwell on baby (before and after birth), and spend time just enjoying and connecting with them. Also, since he's our last, I had a subconscious fear that if I really fell hard in love with him, I would regret or second guess our decision to be done. When he was about a month old I realized that I just needed to slow down and love on him. Just to look at his baby face, snuggle, enjoy all the little moments, smile at him, talk to him…I had this sense that he was kind of distressed, although he was not a hard baby…sometimes he just seemed distressed to me. But the more I relaxed and let myself fall in love with him, the happier and more secure he became. He is now a year and a half and an absolute delight. There is certainly no ambivalence in my heart toward him whatsoever.
No one told me that sometimes it takes awhile to sort through our emotions and bond with our babies. I certainly did not expect it after nurturing 3 and then 4 babies already…I thought I should have it down pat…But every one, every situation is different. Be patient with yourself. Practice conscious relaxation to prepare for pain mgmt during birth, dwell on Ps 39, pray for your little one, enjoy your others…It is going to be OK! (((HUG)))
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Sweet friend,You know I've been praying for you this entire time and for this whole process and pregnancy. Our God is so big and yet SO in the tiny details….I've been reminded of this over and over the past few days. I pray shalom over you….and I know that his perfect peace and love cast out all fear….cling to those, to Him. I see tiny hands and feet touching your face, tiny kisses on a tiny nose, and the realization that all you've been too afraid to grab onto will finally be resting in your arms and in your home. Father, I ask that your literally envelope Kamille in your arms…in your peace, and in your place of rest. That she would hide in the cleft of the rock that is you and that she would be able to receive the abundance you have heaped onto her. I pray for V and Tay, that their joy and excitement would be a contagion in the Scellick household and that their delight in this little one would continue into their entire lives to form incredible bonds of siblingship and of brothers and sisters in Christ. I pray for a tangible sense of your spirit int he room Father as this baby comes into this world…that the first whispers it's ears would hear are of your voice, and of the voices of it's loving parents. Shalom father….we ask for an abundance of shalom.I love you my friend, and I wonder if this baby might not be named Shalom?Praying for you.
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Oh friend!! What a beautifully heartfelt post. Thank you for the honor of being allowed a glimpse into your heart and being asked to pray. I am doing so right now! And throughout your post I kept thinking what Logan said– how about Shalom?? Maybe part of the reason you're feeling… Less emotional than you'd expect is actually because this little one has a very peaceful spirit?? Bless you and can't wait to hear all about the arrival!
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I am absolutely praying for you! Don't be afraid to seek help after the birth if something just feels off — it is NOT a personal failing, but may be postpartum depression (my mom had it with just me and not any of my siblings.) Particularly given your roller coaster experience, I can see why you might be struggling now. Love to you ❤
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My pregnancy with my third child was so very much like that… I've never had a miscarriage, but the tales of the friends who did, the friend who lost a little one, the stories I'd hear–somehow, they all overwhelmed me in my third pregnancy. It was filled with fear (I wrote a bit about it here: http://gretchenlouise.com/2010/12/be-not-afraid/ ). Praying for you.
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Hang in there. One day at a time. I can't really find the words to say to help you, but you know I'm not really one for words. I'm here for you though.
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well, I wonder if one of the names you picked out for this baby is Hope. I just found your blog yesterday – I too live in the PNW. My babies are much older – two teenagers- but I still remember what you are going through – It is scary. I will be praying for you.
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Kamille, your honest words about your song are so beautiful. This is such a unique time, standing on the edge of something different (three!) and new. You already are such a wonderful mother, that enveloping another into the fold will (I'm sure) come naturally fairly quickly. And with the great anticipation and excitement that came along with your first two girls, maybe this sweet little one is supposed to be welcomed with that quiet knowing. The knowing of a mother who has done this before, who knows her body is made to do this, the knowing that her girls are so very excited to meet their sister, and you can take all of these years of experience and know how to welcome her into the world with the simplicity of love.
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I think I have written, erased and then re-written this comment about 6 times trying to find the right words… You are so honest about your feelings and I just know that you are helping other women who are in a similar place. What a gift to be able to express your fears and your uncertainty, to admit you aren't where you expected to be. In that knowing, you find the courage to ask for others to pray for you and love on you instead of treading these emotional waters alone. I have been thinking of you and praying for you often and I will continue to do so as God prepares the perfect place in your heart for this baby, just as He has prepared your body as a home for this short time. You are so loved Kamille. So very loved.
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Thank you for sharing you're heart with us Kamille. Although I've never had children yet, I have had times of waiting on God, and struggled with patience in His perfect plan. With that comes doubt and apathy at times. God is with you always, even in the miry pit. "I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:17-19. With the full measure of God includes His full measure of HOPE. i know that Jeremiah 29:11 is a verse often used to encourage, but maybe pray that verse over this precious baby and cling to that promise. For God knows the plans He has for your baby, plans to prosper, not to harm, plans for hope and a future. Your baby well grow up to call upon God and pray to Him, and God will listen to your child. Your baby will grow up and seek God with their while heart. What a GREAT promise for your baby. Praying for you Kamille. 🙂
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Praying for more joy and peace and less fear .
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hi Kamille,God bless you my friend! When I read your words it was as if you were reading my journal from a few weeks ago and writing it out in your own words!! I hope you find comfort in knowing that every word that your wrote, I also felt. And, the encouragement that I want to give you is this: God is good. God has given you this sweet baby that is growing inside you – even now, you can experience the joy that the baby is bringing as you feel him/her move inside you, as you watch your body continue to change and grow – and as you see the delight and excitement that the baby is bringing to your other girls. God has already given you this in abundance. Live in this moment and enjoy it. Also, you know we have the same experience of miscarriage, so I know the pain and the sorrow that tries to raise its head and rob you of the joy that God has given you. Cling to Jesus. Every time you have those feelings, just cry out to Jesus. The word he gave me was from the story of Jairus' daughter in Mark. Jesus says to Jairus (when all hope was surely gone?), "Don't be afraid; just believe". And it was those words of Jesus that carried me through. Jesus doesn't guarantee anything except Himself. And, I do believe that you will meet this little one and get to love him/her for a long time. But, I'm saying the person to trust in is not your baby – but Jesus Himself. He will allay all your fears as you give them to Him. And, I can say that I am delighting every day now in our new little Isabel, and I know that you will too in your baby. Only 3 more weeks or so!! You can do it Kamille!! We love you xoxo
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I understand your feelings. Keep holding onto our sweet, sweet Lord. He is truly faithful friend. In His presence is the FULLNESS OF JOY.
Btw, new to your blog! I'm excited to put you into my reader! 🙂
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As I was reading this, I had the same thought as Logan…perhaps Shalom or a name indicating peace?
I'm there with you. The miscarriage followed by pregnancy, wondering/fearing if this baby has down syndrome or some other condition, hardly aware I'm pregnant most days as I'm trying to keep up with these two boys, not even knowing the sex of the baby so not having a name to call him or her…all of that has definitely made me feel distant to this child.
But you can do this, friend. You made made to mother in your gentle and soul-full way. Your honest heart yearning for the Father. The joy can be so hard to see at times, but moment by moment, in the little breaths, you'll see it and see His hand in it.
Reading this also reminded me of Christa Well's song A Thousand Things, particularly this part (it's my favorite): "But in the midst of the most exquisite pain you’re drawn into a peace that you cannot explain and the praises you sing of a sovereign God reach the girl whose last hope is gone"
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Jessica–thank you for your encouragement & for sharing your own apprehensions. I will be praying for you as well. And that song is the song I sang at church post-miscarriage to share about it. Interesting is I had planned on singing and the Wednesday before I was at worship practice to go over it is the night I found out I was pregnant. It is a gift indeed.
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Oh Kamille. I am so thankful that this little lady is finding her way into your family – she will be love fully and completely! I can hear V & T squealing in delight already. Enjoy this time of 4 for now – and know that 5 will be perfect too!
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36 weeks?? Oh, congratulations on that milestone!
I was a mess with pregnancies for babies #3 and #4 (I miscarried after my second child, and that definitely had a lot to do with it.) I was afraid to relax in God's care, because I felt if I didn't stay vigilant something unthinkable might happen. (Because I'm not innocent like I was with my firstborn: I know terrible things do happen, to my family and to those we love, and it's not so easy to make it through a pregnancy peacefully after that.)
But looking back, I had to strain to remember how I felt in the waiting. I think it's because God did give me a new song for each birth. It's okay to be afraid. But it's also okay to rest in His care.
Can't wait for your big day and to see some sweet baby pictures!
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Anne–thank you for knowing & sharing the knowing. I'm feeling more & more peace each day.
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Kamille, you have been praying about a new song, peace with the pending birth of this new child. What I heard is that your my sweet little angels, V and Tay, they are singing your new song. Their excitement of waiting anxiously to meet their new little sister. They are your new song. All the other things that you have been speaking to yourself are very real but they have been closing your ears to hear the new song for this new little one, the finishing piece to your family puzzle. The perfect piece that the Lord has designed just for you and your family alone. I understand the apprehension about the birthing process and not having names like you did the girls. Everything is a perfect plan and the second half of your new song will be when you hold your precious little one in your arms and the name for her will be the finishing part of the new song for you. I was writing something different but I deleted it because I felt the Lord wanted me to tell you this. I love you with all of my heart and I know you know that feeling too. It is a wonderful love, something that I cannot ever imagine not having. I want you to know that through you, you and Ben have blessed me even more than I could ever have wished for. The blessing of children is utterly amazing and then to have grandchildren is the cherry on top.
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