Last Sunday at the end of the church service, the song was this:
You have turned my mourning into dancing
You have turned my sorrow into joy
You have turned my mourning into dancing
You have turned my sorrow into joy
How do you sing a song when you are mourning? I can sing those words knowing that it will come. I can sing those words knowing in my mind that Jesus truly can & does turn our sorrow into joy. But right now, my heart is far from those words. My lips mimic the words, but my voice is far from it.
Ecclesiastes 3 says,
For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. A time to be born & a time to die…A time to cry & a time to laugh. A time to grieve & a time to dance…
My heart was starting to see the light. Not happiness per se, but the joy that comes after the sorrow. The sun after a bruised sky. A rainbow after a storm. The promise I’m given under a new life. And then there is the grief that will remain. I don’t expect it to simply dissolve over a week & be on with life. Yet, I’m reminded that life is still happening & creating around me while my womb is empty. Friend after friend shyly announces that they’re womb is seeing life for the first time. Or for the second, third or fourth time.
I truly am happy for them. I’m happy that they get to begin creating a home for this life that has been gifted towards them. I can honestly say I’m not jealous. But, my rejoicing isn’t quite as verboise as it normally would be. How do we grieve while others are rejoicing? How do we avoid being Debbie Downer, when our souls truly are down? How, when it is our time to grieve & cry, while others laugh & dance?
My soul feels tangled in this web this side of heaven. I don’t know how to make it work. I don’t want my friends to not rejoice around me while they welcome in life. Yet, I want them to know how my hurt & pain is real even if the loss is unseen by all except me. How do you explain the blood without showing? How does this work? I’m wrestling right now. I’m not wrestling over losing my faith. I’m wrestling with how these worlds can exist in the same place.
I think it’s because “this” was never the plan. This grieving & dancing never were meant to coincide. There was only dancing, laughing, singing. But we’re left with both seasons. Then, how do we do live Kingdom-like in a non-Kingdom world? How have you done it? The barren woman. The woman who loves fiercely only to be not given chance of loving a child. How? How do you make sense of it?
Backdoor Hospitality 
Kamille, I was just struck by the Ecclesiastes verse where it says for everything there is a season…a season. This season of mourning will give way to a season of joy. Or something else entirely. God has so many good plans for you. And He's expanding your heart right now and showing you how much he loves you in your sorrow. He's right there. Just rest in Him. Sending lots of love xoxo
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Miss Kamille – I get it. 🙂 I wish I didn't, but I totally do. All I can say is time – it takes time and it will come and go. For me it never really never has gone away – but life goes on and I can't get stuck. So I have to trust and hope and move on. That is what makes Nate such a gift to us…and that is what makes our situation so hard sometimes. I KNOW he is a gift – a miracle, really. Lucy is spot on, I think. God uses this sorrow – this very hard to swallow sorrow – to grow our hearts. There is joy to come…and to be mixed in between your sorrow. I promise. God promises. Praying for you!
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I think we just authentically feel all of the array of emotions … I think we do exactly what you are doing … we turn the sorrow into his hands and choose to celebrate the gifts … I don't say this flippantly. My sister is pregnant right now — her due date one day after mine was. I won't lie — there have been fleeting thoughts of why … not jealousy, just washes of sadness. And in those moments, I have to pray through my sorrow and choose the joy, choose to relish in the goodness. Of course, everything gets easier in a way once the hormones begin to level off. Keep writing it all out … your words are healing to you and to those of us who are also there wondering if we're in good company with our feelings. xxoo
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I know someone that would really understand how you are feeling. MaryAnn had a miscarriage a bit before I found out I was pregnant with Andrew. I felt so bad that I didn't want to tell her. I wasn't wanting another child and she desperately did. I didn't understand that. I thought that God was being unloving to both of us. But, that is just a lie that satan was telling me. I felt so uncomfortable around MaryAnn for such a long time. I felt that I was hurting her. I thought that she would think that I was rubbing her nose in it. That was the farthest from the truth, yet, back then that is what I thought. I am sure that your friends are having a hard time expressing their joy because they don't want to hurt you because they love you too much. It is hard to get through. You don't have to hurry. The Lord will give you all the time that you need. He loves you too much to tell you just forget about it. It will come in time. When you are ready. I love you and I know that you will get through this.
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I understand. I too lost one of God's creation between Josh and Tina. You will never forget, however the children you are blessed with and the hope that you have to one day see this little creation not walking this earth will get you through. I am so blessed to have Josh and Tina and am able to move forward. You will be too. Just keep trusting in Him.
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Hey Kamille,Your writing is so honest, revealing the broken parts… I know that it touches many of us who have been in the same situation. I'm reminded how much God uses broken people, people who have only enough strength to lean on Him. Thank you for continuing to share your story.
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Liz–thank you. Isn't it beautiful to know that he turns ashes into beauty & deserts into gardens. His plan of redemption has me awestruck every time.
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