Ebb & Flow of Tears

I’ve been overwhelmed with messages, sweet emails, & warm hugs communicating…”You are not alone.” I wrote in Facebook status the other day, “the ebb & flow of grief. One moment life is carefree & the next tears. I’m reminded that sadness is okay & so are tears. I don’t need to be fixed or bandaged up.”

My heart is utterly sad. That’s not to say that I don’t have moments where life is good. Just like I wrote, it’s the ebb & flow of emotions. When I think I can handle anything, the next minute I’m keeling over & sobbing. Last Monday I was pregnant doing overhead squats at the gym with a modified pregnancy weight. This Monday was my first time back & physically, I could increase my weight. Yet, the weight in my heart & mind were overwhelming, which made it near impossible to focus (you can imagine with weighted barbell in overhead & squatting–mental focus is a MUST).

The blood has stopped flowing. It was the last tangible thing I had to be close to the memory of my baby. With every streak of red came a reminder of the life that was lost. This life was my child & now my womb lays empty.

I felt like maybe I was actually pregnant today. Maybe this bleeding was just more than the bleeding with my girls when I was pregnant with them. Maybe the tenderness in my breasts is really a sign. Maybe I had twins and lost one & not the other.

I took a pregnancy test today to make sure. There was one line. I’m not pregnant. Maybe I need to say it again. I’m not pregnant. I’m not going to greet my baby in May. I have miscarriage by my name. I never thought that eleven letter word would stand by me.

My youngest, Tay, asked about the baby. We talked with her about the baby being sick & only Jesus being able to take care of her. She responded, “NO! The baby wants her mama! The baby LOVES her mama. The baby wants her mama & daddy.”. All I could say is “Yeah sweetie.”

What I know is this is the deepest of sadness I’ve ever encountered at this point in my 32 years of life.  That miscarriage isn’t something to be hushed or underlooked.  It is real.  It is grief & loss, because there was a baby that was lost.  That I never imagined this eleven letter word would stand by my name.  Jesus has been carrying me in a way, I’ve never known.  Tears & Sadness tend to make people feel uncomfortable, because they can’t be easily fixed.  I’m thankful to walk this path to understand how to sit with those who grieve.  

That’s where I’m at.  Where are you at?  How have you found comfort & light amidst grief & loss?  What is your story?