A Mama’s Heart – Page 4 – Backdoor Hospitality

Thankfulness Squash Galette

It’s almost Thanksgiving and I really should be in bed. However, since I’m at my in-laws house, I know I get to sleep in. I’ve been extremely blessed with loving in-laws who are also amazing grandparents. They have a rule, which is one I affirm wholeheartedly, “Parents get to sleep in while they take care of the grandkids.” I am thankful.

And I know it’s Thanksgiving, to which we are to be grateful for all the many blessings we’ve been given; however, life happens at the most inopportune times and you’re not always handed something to be thankful about. I received some news which is discouraging and causes me to think with a fatalistic fear. I’m not gifted with optimism the majority of the time. And although I would say my glass is half full, this doesn’t equate with walking around thinking I can tackle anything and keep truckin’.

I’m at first glance an optimist fatalist, because I’m an extrovert who is over dramatic. I see the best in the outcome, but I get caught up in the path to get there at times. Ultimately, I need to remember that I am not savior and rely on one who is. Life is hard enough without having a savior complex. What…with being a mom, a wife, a friend, a daughter, a sister, etc., is enough in and of itself. I’m only required to live in this moment and do what I’m called to do. My job is not to be the perfect mom. Or to cook the perfect meals. Or to carry others burdens/issues. I don’t have to live up to expectations that others have set for me or even ones I’ve set for myself.

And in a world where we compare everything and everyone, it can be pretty damn hard. Where our children are compared to one another from day one based on their weight & length. Where mothers ask other mothers what “percentile” their child falls (maybe to feel good that their child is a bit bigger and doing “better”). Where smart is based on knowing your ABC’s, speaking in fluent tongue, or excelling in ‘quantifiable’ means. Where beauty is measured based on waist size & symmetrically aligned faces.

Yet, in the midst of all the reasons aforementioned (and then some), I can take solace in what the prophet Zephaniah spoke to Israel many, many moons ago:

Sing, O Daughter of Zion;
shout aloud, O Israel!
Be glad and rejoice with all your heart,
O Daughter of Jerusalem!

The LORD has taken away your punishment,
he has turned back your enemy.

The LORD, the King of Israel, is with you;

never again will you fear any harm.

On that day they will say to Jerusalem,
“Do not fear, O Zion;

do not let your hands hang limp.

The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing.”

I like knowing that I am to “shout…rejoice with all my heart,” because He “delights” in me, he “quiets” my whole being with “his love,” and he “rejoices over me with singing.” It gives me a picture of my daughter happily singing (in and out of tune) with complete abandon through the living room. It brings me joy & I fully delight, or enjoy her…for her. And when she’s upset, or hurt, or even quietly in my lap…I get to shower my songs upon her. And oh my, it brings her peace in the midst of a storm feeling. Thankfulness…it’s knowing that type of peace in eye of the storm, and choosing to see the good in the midst of it. So for that…I am thankful for this day the Lord has made.

If you’re wanting to add some tangible thankfulness to your day (or someone else), then this galette is definitely high on the list. Happy Thanksgiving!

Butternut Squash Galette & Delicata Squash Galette (printable recipe)

This pastry crust is courtesy of Epicurious. I needed to make two Galettes, so I doubled the pastry ingredients below. I also used 3/4 butternut squash for one galette and 1/4 for the other galette. The crust was flaky, savory & sublime. I love these for their versatility and improvisation.

For pastry:

1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
1 stick cold unsalted butter, cut into 1/2-inch cubes
1 tablespoon chopped sage leaves
1/2 teaspoon fine sea salt
4 to 6 tablespoons ice-cold water
1 large egg, lightly beaten

For butternut squash filling:

1 (2-pound) butternut squash, peeled, seeded, and cut into 2- by 1/4-inch slices (4 cups) **reserve about 1/4 of it for other galette if making it.
1/2 teaspoon fine sea salt
2 tablespoons olive oil, divided
1 medium sized shallot
4 ounces soft mild goat cheese
4 ounces soft cream cheese
1 egg

Make dough:
Pulse flour, butter, sage, and sea salt in a food processor until mixture resembles coarse meal. Drizzle ice water evenly over mixture and pulse until it just forms a ball. (Do not overwork dough, or pastry will be tough.) Gently press dough into a 5-inch disk and chill, wrapped in plastic wrap, until firm, at least 1 hour.

Make filling while dough chills:
Preheat oven to 500°F with rack in middle.

Toss squash with sea salt and 1 Tbsp oil and arrange in 1 layer in a 17-by 12-inch shallow baking pan. Roast, stirring once halfway through roasting, until golden brown on edges and undersides, 20 to 25 minutes. Remove squash from oven and reduce oven temperature to 375°F.

Meanwhile, saute shallots in 1 tablespoons oil with a pinch of sea salt in a 10-inch heavy skillet over medium heat, until tender, about 3 minutes. Transfer to a small bowl to cool slightly. Combine goat cheese, cream cheese & egg in a small bowl. Mix to combine.

Make galette:
Roll out dough into a 13-inch round on a lightly floured surface with a lightly floured rolling pin. Transfer to a baking sheet. Spread out cheese filling in center of dough. Dump about 3/4 of butternut squash on top, along with shallots, leaving a 2- to 3-inch border. Fold dough in on itself to cover outer rim of filling, pleating dough as necessary. Put a few sage leaves on top, drizzle with olive oil & sprinkle with sea salt. Brush pastry with beaten egg and bake galette until crust is cooked through and golden on edges, 35 to 45 minutes. Cool on baking sheet on a rack 10 minutes before serving.

Delicata-Butternut Squash with Kale Galette: there’s no need to peel the delicata, because it’s skin is tender upon roasting and is easily eaten.

1 delicata squash
olive oil for drizzling delicata
sea salt for sprinkling delicata
1/4 of above cooked butternut squash
1 medium shallot (I cooked 2 shallots and divided them between the two recipes)
3 kale leaves, vein removed & chopped into bite sized pieces
1 Tablespoon olive oil
5 ounces goat cheese

Cut ends off of delicata. Scoop out seeds & pulp. Cut into 1/4 inch rings, then cut into half moons. Place on a baking sheet lined with parchment. Drizzle with olive oil & sprinkle with sea salt. Roast at 450 for roughly 15 minutes. They don’t take that long. Cool.

Meanwhile, saute kale in 1 tablespoon of olive oil till tender. You may need to add more oil or even some water. Remove to a small bowl and set aside. Saute chopped up half moon shallots in 2 teaspoons olive oil for 1 minute or so. Remove to small bowl.

Combine the delicata squash, 1/4 leftover of cooked butternut squash, cooked shallot, & kale together. Roll out your dough following instructions above, drop goat cheese throughout the center of the rolled out galette. Arrange the vegetables on top of the goat cheese lined crust. Fold dough in on itself to cover outer rim of filling, pleating dough as necessary. Brush pastry with beaten egg and bake galette until crust is cooked through and golden on edges, 35 to 45 minutes. Cool on baking sheet on a rack 10 minutes before serving.

Brown Sugar Cupcakes with Sea Salted Caramel Frosting

My youngest daughter turned one on Saturday. We had two different celebrations for her to avoid having our house feel like a zoo (small quarters make for a claustrophobic mama). I made some yummy food, because…well, that’s what I do. And since she is only one and cannot talk, I got to pick the menu (that’s both good and bad). It’s good, because it’s pulling out the creative card in the kitchen. It’s bad, because when it comes to picking out a recipe for dessert the sky is literally the limits.

Ben laughs at me saying it takes me three hours to decide what I want to make and then leaving me only an hour to get it all done (too many options isn’t always the best thing in life). I made an apple cake with a cream cheese drizzle frosting for our family gathering. Then, on Sunday I envisioned making a caramel cake with sauteed apples and a salty caramel cream cheese drizzle icing. However, as the clock continued to tick on while I was no where near my kitchen post…I came upon a brown sugar cupcake recipe and then mixed it with an easy breezy Salted Caramel Frosting.

This was our Tayers (not her name) first taste of cake, which she thoroughly enjoyed. And I have to say how much I love this little girl. As I was approaching this weekend (she was born on the 14th), I began reflecting on the 12th (because that’s when my water broke) of what I had been doing a year ago before she graced us with her presence…41 hours later. She fills the house with laughter, cuddles, and squeals of delight when she should be going to bed. Let’s face it…to her life is a party, which is to be enjoyed to the fullest.

I remember thinking after she was born, “what did we do? We had it perfectly with our family of three and now we have this little one who’s going to change everything!” (postpartum moms are allowed to say just about anything, especially when they go through 41 hours of waiting for the baby to be born without drugs, I’m just saying 🙂 ) However, a year later…everything DID change, but it was a good change and she is well worth it.

Brown Sugar Cupcakes with Sea Salted Caramel Frosting

(printable recipe)

The cupcake recipe is from Chockylit, which is a fantastic & inspiring cupcake blog. The frosting recipe is adapted from here.

Brown Sugar Butter Cupcakes

24 regular cupcakes / 350 degree oven

3 sticks unsalted butter, room temperature

1 1/2 cup light brown sugar

4 large eggs, room temperature

2-2/3 cups all-purpose flour

1 teaspoon baking powder

1 teaspoon baking soda

1/4 teaspoon salt

1 cup milk

2 teaspoon vanilla

1. Beat butter on high until soft, about 30 seconds.
2. Add sugar. Beat on medium-high until light and fluffy, about 3 minutes.
3. Add eggs one at a time, beat for 30 seconds after each.
4. Whisk together flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt in a bowl.
5. Measure out milk and vanilla together.
6. Add about a fourth of the flour to the butter/sugar mixture and beat to combine.
7. Add about one third the milk/vanilla mixture and beat until combined.
8. Repeat above, alternating flour and milk and ending with the flour mixture.
9. Scoop into cupcake papers about half to three-quarters full.
10. Bake for 20-22 minutes until a toothpick comes out clean.

Sea Salted Caramel Frosting

1/2 cup (one stick) butter

1 cup dark brown sugar

1/2 teaspoon lemon juice

1/3 cup heavy cream

1 teaspoon finely ground sea salt

2 1/2 cups powdered sugar

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

1/4-1/3 cup milk

additional sea salt for sprinkling

Melt butter in saucepan and continue over heat until the butter is brown, but not black.

Remove pan from heat and add lemon juice and brown sugar–stir until smooth.

Return pan to a med-low heat and bring to boil while constantly stirring. Boil mixture for one minute and remove from heat. Then add cream, stir until cream is incorporated.

Return pan to heat and stir until just boiling. Then remove from heat, add salt and let mixture cool to room temperature. When you taste the mixture at this point is may taste very strong and a bit too salty–that’s what you want.

Transfer caramel mixture to mixing bowl and slowly beat in sugar and vanilla until smooth. **my notes: I beat mine in my kitchen aid stand mixer, which mixed it up into a blob similar to playdoh. I then added milk & mixed it again, in order to make it spreadable, which worked. It may have been better if it was mixed by hand.

Frost cupcakes and sprinkle with sea salt. Tastes even better the day after.

P.A.C. Crisp (pear, apple, cranberry)

Crisp ala mode, what could be better?

Yesterday we had an Autumn Family gathering with the other families from our playgroup we go to Thursday mornings. I made this delicious crisp, along with the help of my trusty 2.75 year old assistant. I have to say that this crisp is exceptionally tasty. No, let’s not kid ourselves…it’s a complete foreshadow of everything Autumn (which is a GOOD thing indeed).

I was looking for something rustic, simple, and a ‘knock your socks off type of good,’ to make for dessert. I actually had never made it before, but I knew my Ina Garten hadn’t let me down so far, and her Barefoot Contessa at Home cookbook would for sure have a crisp recipe. I made a few adjustments from the original recipe, by using rapadura sugar, whole wheat pastry flour, using cranberries instead of dried, and adding cardamom (since there was orange in the recipe, cardamom screamed to be used). All of these made it taste great, especially the addition of cardamom.

The pears, apples, & cranberries sitting in sugary, spicy goodness.

Since my two year old helped make the crisp, she couldn’t stop talking about it the rest of the afternoon. The party was at 4:00 and she still needed to take a nap. She had a bit of a meltdown when I informed her that we weren’t going to the party quite yet, because she needed to take a nap. Her eyes quickly filled up with tears and some speaking in tongues began, to which effect something about not being able to eat the crisp was murmured. Poor girl, she even got a bit anxious as we were walking up to our friend’s door, where she looked around for the crisp then blurted with panic, “CRISP! CRISP?” And yes, she was the only kid at the dinner table eating her crisp after dinner, while all the others were playing downstairs (Then, was it bad to serve this for breakfast to her? I did put my foot down and say no to the ice cream she requested).

The crumb crust before entering the oven. Yes it’s a lot of topping, but keep piling it on.

And it must be said that I adore all of these ladies whom I get to share life with (almost) every week. We have been meeting weekly since just after V’s first birthday, which is almost two years now. I love how we have our similarities and differences, yet we still choose to be more than co-mothers, but friends. Each one of them brings a different gift to my life as a woman, wife & mom. There isn’t judgment on how we parent different or how we fail, but grace, because we understand (period). I also love how everyone is real & genuine. No one comes in with a, “Wow, I LOVE being a mother every second of the day (or everyday for that matter).” But there’s also not this, “Whoa, I hate being a mom and my kid is a….”

Instead, it’s a sincerity and a realness of “this mothering/parenting job is hard, and I don’t always like it, and I’m not going to be fake and make you think it’s the best job in the whole world 100% of the time. But I do value something higher, which means I will give up some of my rights, in order to provide my children with something greater. I not only value something higher, but love these stinkers so deep it hurts and am willing to go above & beyond for them.” That’s who these women are to me and I love them for it. So thanks Biz, Lindsey, Becky, Christine, Bethany, Megan & Talia–my Thursday mornings (although always running late & a bit disheveled) are my diamond in the rough as a stay at home mom and you ladies’ bring out a different spectrum of light in my diamond.

Last year’s Halloween party before many of the siblings were born.

P.A.C. Crisp (pear, apple, cranberry) (printable recipe)

Recipe is adapted from the Barefoot Contessa at Home cookbook. **A little side note: If you’re not familiar with other sugars like rapadura, I would encourage you to start baking & cooking with them. I get mine from the bulk section at our local Co-op, which is cheaper than buying it pre-packaged in the health/natural section of your grocery store.** The recipe also called for Macoun apples, but I used what I had on hand and I’m not too particular when the recipe calls for say ‘Granny Smith.’ Instead, I use what I know could create a good end product and wouldn’t dissolve into mush (say Red Delicious). My apples came from a friend’s tree, so I have no idea what they are called.

Ingredients:

3 ripe Bosc pears

5 apples (I have no idea what kind I used)

3/4 cup frozen cranberries (that’s what I had on hand, but you could use fresh)

1 teaspoon grated orange zest

1 teaspoon grated lemon zest

Squeezed juice of one orange

Squeezed juice of one lemon

1/2 cup evaporated cane juice sugar (this is sugar which is less refined and has a golden color to it)

1/4 cup unbleached all-purpose flour

1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg

1/4 teaspoon ground cardamom

Topping:

1 1/2 cups whole wheat pastry flour

1/2 cup granulated sugar

1/2 cup light brown sugar

1/2 cup rapadura sugar (however, I know most people don’t have this, so do 3/4 of the above sugars)

1/2 teaspoon kosher salt

1 cup old-fashioned oats

1/2 pound (2 sticks) unsalted butter

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Peel and core the pears & apples. Cut them into large chunks. Put the fruit into a large bowl, toss with cranberries, zests, juices, sugar, flour, cinnamon, nutmeg, & cardamom. Pour into a 9×13 baking dish.

For the topping, combine the flour, sugars, salt, oatmeal and cold butter in the bowl of an electric mixer fitted with a paddle attachment. Mix on low speed for 1 to 2 minutes, or until the mixture is in large crumbles. Sprinkle evenly over the fruit, covering the fruit completely. You’ll notice that this is a lot of crisp topping, but keep packing it on and you won’t be disappointed.

Place the baking dish on a parchment-lined sheet pan. Bake for 50 minutes to 1 hour, until the top is brown and the fruit is bubbly. Serve warm (with vanilla ice cream to live on the wild side).

Maybe sitting by the fire eating the crisp with this little cutie could be better.

Pull out the recipe box

As I mentioned a couple posts back about my cooking class and all the wonderful food I enjoyed, but didn’t have the recipes quite yet. Well, I do now and I would love to share some of them with you. But before I do that…I have to tell you a rather sweet & lovely morning I woke up to.

First off, I had a date with Ben last night and dominated the conversation (thanks for listening). I dumped on him about how I’ve been feeling as a stay at home mom (ie trying to feed the kids in a fashionable time frame, wanting to enjoy a hot cup of coffee for once, trying really hard to run the inner workings of our house while spending quality time with my girls, etc etc etc). As he was listening, he asked, “what would your ideal day look like with the girls?” I think I repeated about three times, “well it would look like, no but that would be unrealistic,” while he would continue to say, “I didn’t ask what’s realistic, but idealistic” (here my realistic hubby telling his idealistic wife to stop being realistic–gotta love it).

So one of my answers was being able to enjoy a hot cup of coffee, sit down for breakfast all together and come home from Thursday playgroup with lunch already made to serve when we walk in the door (and a little bit more I’m leaving out, maybe it was a massage?). Well, listen he did. He took care of the oldest breakfast, had an americano for me and when I thought it couldn’t get any better…”here,” he said diverting my attention to a clear rubbermaid container, “a grilled cheese sandwich that just needs to be heated up and apple slices for the girl’s lunch.”

This is what hospitality looks like to a mother with two young children, who just the day before wanted to drive far, far away by herself. I’m blessed to have such a guy and I try really hard to not take it for granted. And as you read this and maybe make one of the recipes, I hope you will find someone you can bless through the simple act of hospitality, in the form of a meal.

Buttermilk Fried Chicken

adapted from Thomas Keller, Ad Hoc

I personally am not a big fan of fried chicken, but I do believe some of you are…specifically Liz S.

Ingredients:

1 gallon cold water

1 cup plus 2 teaspoons kosher salt

1/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons honey

12 bay leaves

1 head of garlic, smashed but not peeled

2 tablespoons black peppercorns

3 large rosemary sprigs

1 small bunch of thyme

1 small bunch of parsley

Finely grated zest and juice of 2 lemons

Two 3-pound chickens

3 cups all-purpose flour

2 tablespoons garlic powder

2 tablespoons onion powder

2 teaspoons cayenne pepper

2 cups buttermilk

Vegetable oil, for frying

Rosemary and thyme sprigs, for garnish

In a very large pot, combine 1 quart of the water with 1 cup of the salt and the honey, bay leaves, garlic, peppercorns, rosemary, thyme and parsley. Add the lemon zest and juice and the lemon halves and bring to a simmer over moderate heat, stirring until the salt is dissolved. Let cool completely, then stir in the remaining 3 quarts of cold water. Add the chickens, being sure they’re completely submerged, and refrigerate overnight.

Drain the chickens and pat dry. Scrape off any herbs or peppercorns stuck to the skin and cut each bird into 8 pieces, keeping the breast meat on the bone.

In a large bowl, combine the flour, garlic powder, onion powder, cayenne and the remaining 2 teaspoons of salt. Put the buttermilk in a large, shallow bowl. Working with a few pieces at a time, dip the chicken in the buttermilk, then dredge in the flour mixture, pressing so it adheres all over. Transfer the chicken to a baking sheet lined with wax paper.

In a very large, deep skillet, heat 1 inch of vegetable oil to 330°. Fry the chicken in 2 or 3 batches over moderate heat, turning once, until golden and crunchy and an instant-read thermometer inserted in the thickest part of each piece registers 160°, about 20 minutes. Transfer the chicken to paper towels to drain, and keep warm in a low oven while you fry the remaining chicken pieces. Transfer the fried chicken to a platter, garnish with the herb sprigs and serve hot or at room temperature.

Mile High Buttermilk Biscuits

adapted Cooks Illustrated

These are truly a phenomenal buttermilk biscuit, which are super quick & easy.

Ingredients:

2 C flour

1 Tbsp baking powder

1 Tbsp sugar

1 tsp salt

1/2 tsp baking soda

4 Tbsp unsalted butter

1 1/2 C buttermilk

Additional flour

2 Tbsp melted butter

Preheat oven to 500ºF. Spray a 9 in springform or cake pan with some nonstick spray.

Add flour, baking powder, baking soda, sugar and salt to a bowl and mix the ingredients together evenly. Using a fork or pastry blender, cut in the butter until the pieces are no bigger than a small pea. Fold in the buttermilk until everything is just blended, and there are no streaks of flour remain. Do not overmix, the mixture should still be lumpy.

Line a plate or tray with some flour and using a 1/4 C measuring cup or 1/4 C ice cream/cookie scoop or eyeball it & use your hands, scoop out balls of the dough onto the tray of flour. Flour your hands and roll each ball around in the flour to evenly coat them in a layer of flour. The dough is very wet and very sticky. Place the dough balls into the prepared pan. Place 9 balls around in a ring and 3 balls in the center of the pan. Brush the tops of the biscuits with melted butter.

Bake for 5 minutes at 500ºF (middle rack) and then lower the temperature to 450ºF and bake for another 15 minutes.

Apple Tarte Tatin

Pate Brisee

12 oz flour, sifted

1 tsp salt

8 oz unsalted butter, diced

1/4 C club soda (more or less)

Put flour, salt, and butter in food processor. Mix until it looks like grated parmesan. Add club soda a little at a time until pastry forms a ball and does not stick to sides. Dump dough onto a flat surface and push it away from you using the ball of your hand. Do this two or three times. Combine into a disc using your hands (don’t worry it will look pretty crumbly, which is normal). Put dough in plastic wrap and refrigerate at least one hour. Let it rest on countertop for 10-15 minutes, till a bit pliable. Then roll for your pie pan.

Ingredients for Apple Tarte Tatin

8 tart (granny smith) apples

3/4 C sugar

1/2 stick unsalted butter

creme fraiche to serve

You need an oven proof frying pan – cast-iron ovenproof frying pan is fine.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees

Peel, halve, and core apples. Melt butter in pan on stove. Add sugar (just sprinkle it on top of the butter) and place the apples decoratively on top (cut side down). Cook slowly until caramelized. This can take up to one hour. Do not stir! (Clearly, low heat here.)

When cooked (check by lifting an apple and seeing what’s going on), remove from heat.

Roll the pastry, put it on top of the apples. Tuck the sides in. Cook in 350 degree oven for 30 minutes. Remove, take a flat dish and turn the tarte upsidedown. Serve warm with creme fraiche or vanilla ice cream. You can also scrape a vanilla bean into the apples at the beginning of the caramelization and let the pod sit in there with them, too, but it’s not totally necessary.

Poached Pears

Ingredients

2 cups Orange Muscat
1 medium red beet (1/4 pound), peeled and sliced
1 tablespoon sugar
2 teaspoon fresh lemon juice
1 (2-inch) cinnamon stick
2 Turkish bay leaves or 1 California
7-8 small firm-ripe pears (3/4 to 1 pound total), peeled, halved lengthwise, and cored

Bring wine, beet, sugar, lemon juice, cinnamon, and bay leaves to a boil in a 1 1/2- to 2-quarts saucepan, stirring until sugar has dissolved.

Add pears and cover with a round of parchment paper. Simmer, turning occasionally, until pears are tender and liquid is syrupy, 35 to 40 minutes. Transfer pears to a bowl. Discard cinnamon stick and bay leaves and pour syrup over pears. Cool completely in syrup, about 30 minutes.

Poached pears can be made 1 day ahead and chilled. Bring to room temperature before serving.

Beyond the Reflection

Do you ever feel like you’re at a loss for words? You feel like you’re not really in existence, but just an observer in your world? As a little girl I had this shirt of Ernie from Seasame Street where he was looking at himself in a mirror and there happened to be a mirror behind him, so it was series of reflections of him that bounced back and forth. I would stare at a hand mirror, while standing with my back to the bathroom mirror. Then, I would focus on the reflection beyond the reflection. I would always wonder how far it could go, but I could never see that far and it gave me a glimpse of what infinity meant.

It’s like that in my life right now. I keep looking at all the reflections beyond the reflections searching for some semblance, but feel like I won’t find it anytime soon. Whether it’s the endless pile of laundry, constant trail of toys scattered about, never ceasing broom employment, and then I go beyond the household stuff and look at my girls feeling like I have nothing left to give. My creative juices run short come 7:00 p.m. at night, which means I hardly have anytime to do anything of consequence.

I have all these thoughts and ideas stirring in my head, but as a result of being a mom of two younger children, I have little time to really convey them or turn them into reality. Does this sound familiar for some of you? Some of it could be due to the heat, or the fact that as I write this at 10:40 at night my oldest has woken up crying for me. It would seem as though there is never a spare moment for myself. The idea of having alone time sounds superb, but the reality is when I do have it, it is spent cleaning, prepping dinner, or some other domestic activity to keep a rein on.

However, there is one way for me to unwind. Bake! It allows me to relieve tension, be creative, and I get to bless someone with the end result. It reminds me of my friends asking how I made raspberry sorbet. Of course, I begin with, “Oh it’s not that hard…”( then realize it is a little more complicated for someone who doesn’t spend as much time in the kitchen). I was telling them how to make a raspberry puree, which requires to constantly push the blended up raspberries through a sieve, and told them it’s actually quite therapeutic (especially after the umpteenth tantrum, whiny voice & all together sour puss attitude). You should try it! With that said, here are some great nummies that never fail me.

Peanut Butter Scotcharoos (printable recipe)

I was making all the desserts for my friend Jessica’s Bachelorette party a couple years back, my oven completely shut down. This was my back up peanut butter chocolate concoction made all by stovetop.

Ingredients:

1 cup granulated sugar
1 cup light corn syrup
1 cup peanut butter
6 cups rice krispies
1 cup butterscotch chips
1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips

Lightly grease a 9×13 pan. Combine sugar & corn syrup in pot over medium heat, stirring constantly. Once the sugar has dissolved remove from heat. Add peanut butter and mix into sugar syrup until smooth. Add your rice krispies and stir till completely coated. Pour into your greased 9×13 pan and smooth out.

In a small pan combine butterscotch & semi-sweet chips over low heat, stirring constantly until smooth. Pour over the rice krispies in pan. You can either let them cool at room temperature or in the fridge. The chocolate will set at room temperature. Cut & serve.

Heirloom Tomato & Watermelon Salad

There is so much going on around our house, well actually not really right now. It’s more like there’s so much going to happen within our family. My little nephew Lucas will be going in tomorrow to have an MRI to check the growth of his brain. At his six-month check-up the doctor was concerned about the growth of his head, because it was on the small side. She reassured my sister-in-law that it was either because he simply has a small head or his skull is already fusing together. If it was the later, then they would do surgery to ensure proper growth.

Well, he went in for a cat scan last week where the news wasn’t either of the possibilities. The technician reported that the scan showed there was some sort of pressure (I hate the ambiguity from doctor reports), which means he has to be sedated to have an MRI. Not as if that’s not enough stress, anxiety, & fear to put on a mama, but his appointment isn’t until 2pm. If you’ve never experienced an MRI than you might be a little lost as to why the appointment time is a big deal…bear with me. Our oldest had an MRI when she was 14 months, but it was first thing in the morning. They make you fast, but not just an hour beforehand–it’s much longer. So for dear Lucas, he won’t be able to eat anything after 7 am and then only clear liquids from that point until 11 am. After 11 am he isn’t allowed to eat or drink anything! I thought it was hard for my 14 month old, but for a 6 month old this really is difficult.

The good news is my brother, sister-in-law and nephew will be flying from AZ to see us on Wednesday. I get so giddy when family, friends, or guests come to stay with us, especially if they’ve never (or hardly) been to our neck of the woods. I think of all the food I get to make, the lazy morning Americanos or lattes to drink, walks by the water, and evenings on the deck while the kids go to sleep.

Even though I’m super excited to see them, I’m wearing a heavy heart for Adrienne as a mama who’s going through this with her little boy. I know the heart strings that get pulled when it comes to your child–it’s personal and we mothers can’t think logically. Our minds wander into that pit of fear and “what if’s?” Plus, they’ll be here when they get the results back from the MRI. If it’s good news than we get to rejoice and celebrate. But what if it’s bad news? We’ll embrace one another and cry, question God and ask him why is this happening to this young life?

The thing about it is I’m remaining hopeful for dear, sweet Lucas. I truly believe the MRI will come back as nothing. That the doctors will call on Thursday with positive news. That the only thing they found is that Lucas simply has a small head and the CAT scan was incorrect. It’s like the ultrasound at 19 weeks with my first and the doctor reported that there was a shadow under the left ventricle of the heart, which meant a possibility of Down’s Syndrome. I knew that everything was fine with my baby–I had a peace like on a warm summer day when there’s a gentle breeze ushering in from the water as the sun kisses your skin. There’s no threat of rain clouds or fear of a storm approaching. And I see Lucas sitting between his daddy & mama right next to me on the grass in that peace.

Heirloom Tomato & Watermelon Salad (printable recipe)

So come Thursday, I hope to make this wonderful salad again in celebration of good news!

Ingredients:

3 lbs variety of heirloom tomatoes, cut into wedges (try the Green Zebra)
1 small watermelon, cut into 1 inch chunks
1/2 red onion, cut into 1-in slices
1 or 2 avocados, cut into chunks
2 sprigs tarragon, take off stem (you can also add chopped basil)
3 Tablespoons Olive Oil
3 Tablespoons Balsamic Vinegar
Kosher Salt & Ground Pepper

Combine tomatoes, watermelon, avocado, & red onions in large bowl. Sprinkle with salt and mix with hands. In a measuring cup or large cup combine olive oil, balsamic vinegar, tarragon, and salt and pepper to taste. Dump onto fruit. Mix it up. Grab a bowl and fork and dive in.

Shalom for Supermom

There are places within my life that creep out without any announcement of its arrival. As I’m simply sitting, walking, going along my day, I’m hit with this sense of distress. It’s like a suffocation that begins in my toes and slowly makes it way to my neck. I feel overwhelmed and disconnected. Disconnected with life. Disconnected with being a mom, being a wife, or simply being. I want to run far away to release, but even doing that doesn’t stop the disjointed feeling within me.

This would describe how I felt on Saturday. Both girls napping and me folding laundry with Ben sitting in the chair next to me. I was irritable, frustrated, angry, annoyed and probably any other negative adjective you can think of to fill in the blank. I knew my fuse was super short and I couldn’t put my finger on it. All I knew is something was out of balance. I began to tell Ben about my frustrations. How I felt like I was endlessly working on our home (household duties that are neverending, i.e. feed girls, wash dishes, do laundry, clean & sweep, etc, etc, etc). I felt like I wasn’t being appreciated for the work I did. I was feeling like there were expectations being put upon me that I felt were unfair, or even unrealistic. As I was talking (being the extrovert that I am) out how I felt, whether it be rational or not, it was as if I was peeling away layers of an onion coming to the core of the real issue at hand. The cause of this suffocation. As if I was Eustace in The Voyage of the Dawn Treader clawing away at my skin to release myself from this metaphorical dragon skin.

As Ben listened to me and let me simply vent, I was able to scratch through the surface and two truths emerged from the core of these feelings. One was what Ben said, (as I paraphrase) “you don’t have to be Supermom, Superwife, or super anything. Remember it’s like what Rob Bell wrote about, ‘you need to take your Superwhatever and take it out back and kill it.” The second was me realizing I simply needed grace.

Now it’s Monday and I’ve been stewing in these words and feelings today. I pulled out Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell to find that chapter on the Superperson image. If you’re not familar with Rob Bell, he’s the pastor of Mars Hill Bible Church of Grand Rapids, Michigan, making of the NOOMA videos, and in my personal opinion, is very refreshing to hear or read.

In the chapter, Tassels, in Velvet Elvis, he speaks about a time Mars Hills was growing and growing and he found himself in a closet between the 9:00 and 11:00 am service holding his keys, wondering how quickly he could get out of there. He was suffocated, like many, from trying to do it all. He was trying to be Superpastor. You know the image, doesn’t say no to anyone, needs to be the model father & husband, needs to live up to the potential that has been inscribed for self, basically a facade. No one can survive living a facade for long.

Let’s translate that to my feelings on Saturday and what I was really feeling. I would take something good in Scripture and slant it a bit, like Proverbs 31. A wife of noble character. As I looked at this description, I began to think how was I this wife and mother? How was I becoming “my ideal?” How was I living up to “my potential?” How was “I” filling or meeting my husband’s needs? How was I being a self-sacrificing mother? I mean, is it not a good thing that I have chosen to stay at home with my children, because it’s the best thing for them? I still believe that and I wouldn’t start working outside of the home to find “my grace,” but I was missing the mark.

Back to Rob Bell, he writes about the tzitzit appearing in Numbers 15, which are the tassels on the corners of the garment. The Israelites were to wear these tassels as a physical reminder to remember the commands of the Lord when they looked upon them. To not just remember the Lord’s commands, but where they came from. Not just where they came from, but who they were made to be. And not just who they were made to be, but how they were meant to live life (meaning for modern day: was I prescribing an anecdote that simply didn’t fit God’s for my life?)

What’s interesting about the tzitzit is how Jesus as a good Torah abiding Jew would have been wearing these on his prayer shawl when, the woman who was bleeding for 12 years touched the corner of his garment. But even more so is what Jesus said to the woman, “Go in Peace.” Too often peace is described (as Bell puts it) as “without conflict or absence of conflict,” but it’s so much more. It’s easy to find in Bellingham bumper stickers that say, “Know War Know Peace, No War No Peace,” which describes peace as a picture of all nations holding hands in unity. This picture misses the point.

To know peace is to know restoration. Jesus isn’t merely wanting to give us a peace without conflict or war–it’s deeper. Jesus was telling me on Saturday and today and constantly, “Kamille, go in peace, have shalom, walk in the total presence of my restoring, redemptive peace I’ve given on the cross. Not just in physical realities like the woman I healed, but the mental, emotional, all-encompassing peace. Let all of you be restored.” It’s this holistic beauty in the cross.

Salvation is more than simply saying a prayer and having a ticket to ride for free. It’s allowing Jesus to move through all of me. To have true shalom moving through me in all that I do. It’s the restoration of all things through Jesus. On Saturday, my way of doing things was breaking down. I had this image in my head of what “spiritual” looked like, what a “good” mom looked like, what a “loving” wife looked like.

Here Bell puts it very well: In addition, there is always a mystery behind the mystery. There is a reason we do what we do, and often it is the result of something that is the result of something that is–you guessed it–the result of something. What happens is we try to fix things, but we stop at the first or second layer. We’re stressed and so we make adjustments in time management. But a better question is, why do I take on so much? But an even better question is, why is it so hard for me to say no? Or even, why is that person’s approval so important to me?

But it’s even deeper than that and it’s not until you dig up everything–that you discover the core problem. The core problem is walking away from Shalom and walking in sin, which usually comes from a lifetime of lies I’ve believed about myself. I have believed in the facade of who I need to be and it’s an insult to the creative God who made me.

Instead, this is my job, “the relentless pursuit of who God has made me to be. And anything else I do is sin and I need to repent of it.” My job is not supermom, superwife, superbaker, superdaughter, superfriend, or whatever super fill in the blank I’m putting on myself. I need to kill the “super” image. I need to rest in God alone and get back to finding my identity in Him. I need to have my own tzitzit in my life to bring me back to the restoring grace and love of my Savior. I need to wipe out the voices of even good intentioned people in my life, because it detracts me from my job, “the relentless pursuit of who God has made me to be.” I still have a long ways to go in this journey, but I hope you’ll join me in it. I pray that we will find true shalom in our journey & we take our Superwhatever’s out back and kill them.