Category Archives: A Mama’s Heart

Ebb & Flow of Tears

  I’ve been overwhelmed with messages, sweet emails, & warm hugs communicating…”You are not alone.” I wrote in Facebook status the other day, “the ebb & flow of grief. One moment life is carefree & the next tears. I’m reminded that sadness is okay & so are tears. I don’t need to be fixed orContinue reading “Ebb & Flow of Tears”

Growing Doesn’t Always Mean Visible

 Today has been a hard day.  Actually this week has been beyond difficult, more like tumultuous.  I saw at the Gypsy Mama’s 5 minute Friday the word, “Growing.” With all of the recent events, “growing” seemed to be just the word to use to write on what has happened.     I’ve been fortunate toContinue reading “Growing Doesn’t Always Mean Visible”

The Lies of Fear. The Truths of Life.

  As we sat around the table one evening, Ben brought up the question, “So, what do you think about having another kid?”  My heart did that murmur wave.  You know.  Half excited about the possibility of adding more life to our table, our home.  And completely nervous about going through all of it again.Continue reading “The Lies of Fear. The Truths of Life.”

What Makes Me a Good Mama

What makes me a good mother? Have you asked yourself that question before?  Or have you felt the shame & guilt creeping in.  The images of the “bad” mother.  You look into those little eyes and wonder how you could have been so harsh.  You stamp FAILURE on yourself.  Quickly trying to put the piecesContinue reading “What Makes Me a Good Mama”

Casimir Pulaski Day & My Firstborn

I’m an auditory learner. I thought I was a visual, but realized today I’ve misdiagnosed myself. This would make sense for my love of music, learning all the lines of the play I was in in third grade, & my ability to repeat most things when put to song or via storytelling.
Music..it’s a powerful tool, which is innate to most humans. It stirs emotion in the deep crevices of our life. It reminds us where we were & what we were feeling when a specific song is playing. It brings people together & tears others apart. I received my degree in History with an emphasis in Early Modern Europe. In fact, my thesis was on the complications music brought into the newly formed Protestant Church (tore people apart & brought others together).
Well, for me music is everything beautiful, sweet & good. I’m listening to Sufjan Steven’s ‘Casimir Pulaski Day.’ This song floods my mind & my heart with some of life’s deepest of emotions.
Ben had just bought Steven’s album “Come On Feel the Illinoise.”. It was late December of 2006 & I was about 38 weeks pregnant with our first child. Not quite knowing then how life altering giving birth would be, then mix in bringing a baby home whom you’d be responsible for it’s sustenance (makes for mental instability at times).
This album played non-stop. As I drove in the car, listened to my MP3 player, & when we were at home together. The song talks about a young girl getting cancer of the bone, which is depressing, especially when you’re husband points out after our daughter is born, “This song makes me sad, because I think of our daughter dying.” not really what you want to tell a postpartum mama.
But, this song now reminds me of how quickly she’s grown up. There have been times when I wished, “if only this could go more quickly!”. I’m reminded of all the fear I felt as a new mama, not knowing how I would make it through her first week, how I was going to get her to latch on…or…how would I make it through the dark night. I recall days just prior to sunset praying, “God, you’re my strength, I believe but help my unbelief,” over & over. I mustered all I could to not cry & think, “I don’t love her like Ben does, but I’m her mama.”
So as I listen to this song, I think of that scared mama sitting in the bathroom crying. I think of missing out on the beauties of my firstborn’s first weeks & how I wish I could take it back. But more importantly, which is now, I think of my dear, sweet, one of kind dreamer, firstborn daughter who will be three years too soon and how I want to bundle her up to stop her growing. I want to always hold her like I did the first day I met her. I want to cherish her beauty, her intellect, her quirks…everything that makes her the original handiwork the good Lord made.
This is what music does to me. It stirs up strong & powerful images, feelings, emotions, smells, tastes…creating stories for my life’s storybook.And I guess that’s why her middle name is Storey, which means ‘strong & powerful.’