Music is everything beautiful, sweet & good. I’m listening to Sufjan Steven’s ‘Casimir Pulaski Day.’ This song floods my mind & my heart with some of life’s deepest of emotions.
Ben had just bought Steven’s album “Come On Feel the Illinoise.”. It was late December of 2006 & I was about 38 weeks pregnant with our first child. Not quite knowing then how life altering giving birth would be, then mix in bringing a baby home whom you’d be responsible for it’s sustenance (makes for mental instability at times).
This album played non-stop. As I drove in the car, listened to my MP3 player, & when we were at home together. The song talks about a young girl getting cancer of the bone, which is depressing, especially when you’re husband points out after our daughter is born, “This song makes me sad, because I think of our daughter dying,” (not really what you want to tell a postpartum mama).
But, this song now reminds me of how quickly she’s grown up. There have been times when I wished, “if only this could go more quickly!”.
I’m reminded of all the fear I felt as a new mama, not knowing how I would make it through her first week, how I was going to get her to latch on…or…how would I make it through the dark night. I recall days just prior to sunset praying, “God, you’re my strength, I believe but help my unbelief,” over & over.
I mustered all I could to not cry & think, “I don’t love her like Ben does, but I’m her mama.”
So as I listen to this song, I think of that scared mama sitting in the bathroom crying. I think of missing out on the beauties of my firstborn’s first weeks & how I wish I could take it back.
But more importantly, which is now, I think of my dear, sweet, one of kind dreamer, firstborn daughter who will be three years too soon and how I want to bundle her up to stop her growing. I want to always hold her like I did the first day I met her. I want to cherish her beauty, her intellect, her quirks…everything that makes her the original handiwork the good Lord made.
This is what music does to me. It stirs up strong & powerful images, feelings, emotions, smells, tastes…creating stories for my life’s storybook.And I guess that’s why her middle name is Storey, which means ‘strong & powerful.’
Backdoor Hospitality 
ohmygoodness. little tears just streamed down my face as I read this.
my little one is 2 months now and she is growing so fast I can't keep up. the first 2 weeks of her life were horrible for me physically – my body had never let me down, never malfunctioned, never hurt…and then all of a sudden i couldn't walk, couldn't sit, had to breastfeed over 15 hours per day, my nipples bled, my breasts ached, and i couldn't sleep…but I couldn't stop looking at her either. i didn't experience the baby blues, but the aftermath of her birth left my body so broken and scared that it was impossible to be jovial. even now…2 months later…my body weeps all day until i lay down at night. but i feel heaven when I hold my little Clara…and the pain is forgotten.
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